Next?

I have been trying to figure out how to write about this for a couple of weeks… We found out what variety of small person will be joining the family in February. He will be a boy person. Let’s just start by saying that I am adjusting. That is the nice way of saying “I cried. A lot.”
It is my experience that families are made out of two parents, one boy child (born first) and one girl child (born second and called The Princess). That is my family and that is Mike’s family (well, except for the nickname, so far as I know). Now, I am completely aware that wonderful, loving families come in all sizes and combinations, but none of those families were “My Family”. I’m really not trying to be obtuse or offensive. I love my family, I had a great childhood and I turned out pretty good, thankyouverymuch, so why wouldn’t I want to repeat the formula. Husband, check. Older boy child, check. Now all I needed was The Princess.
I was not sick when I was pregnant with Nathan. This child has been out to get me from nearly the beginning. I was sick, my hair is falling out like crazy, I have acne worse than when I was a teenager, my fingernails snap off if you look at them sideways, and as we have already discussed, I have a pretty good belly going (though I have only gained 10 pounds, yay!). All this is to say that I was pretty sure that since it wasn’t twins, this had to be a girl. Had to be. But there was no doubt in the tech’s voice when she said, “It’s a boy”.
Nathan would have been named Sophia (or Sofia) if he had been a girl. I was pretty sure this one was going to be Eleanor.
No, I’m not having a third child — that one could be a boy also and besides, I am not cut out for being the parent of three children, boys girls or otherwise.
No, it doesn’t help to hear that “boys are easier” or “you won’t have to pay for a wedding” or “they’ll be such good friends”. It just makes me want to scream, “I DON’T CARE, I STILL WANTED A DAUGHTER!”. It also makes me think, “now I’ll never know how hard it is to raise a daughter” or “now I’ll never shop for wedding dresses with my little girl” or “Nathan would have been a great big brother to a little sister”.
No, I don’t think I will feel this way forever. But I do think I will always wonder if I could have done it. Could I have been a good mom to a little girl? Could I have handled the drama of the teenage years? Could I have done as good a job as my mom did with me?
I know I will love this little boy, whoever he is. I already do. But I also need to be sad about the little girl I’m not having. The family that I pictured needs to be redrawn. My expectations and dreams need to be revised. I’ve already started, but I am glad that I have a few months.

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One Response to Next?

  1. Julie says:

    I can relate to this, I think – it’s kind of like when we found out about the twins.

    I think it is OK to mourn the loss of the family you thought you’d have. For me, that just increased my joy after they were born and I realized that THIS was the family I was MEANT to have.

    I also think you should give yourself credit – pregnancy is just harder when you’re already caring for another kid.

    I’ll be sending good thoughts your way. Congratulations on the baby boy!

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